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Same ol' shit...

different day. He doesn't know what he wants. He called me from her house with her little girl running around in teh background. He's bold. It still hurts. I had a break down. How bad is it that I was glad the kids were here because I was thinking of killing myself, but I didn't want them to find me? They are the only reason I can keep on keeping on right now, but the weird part is if I didn't have so many kids it wouldn't be so hard. Catch 22 I guess.

I get so scared when I think about the future. I disn't want to kill myslef because of him, but because I think I am going to screw this all up so bad, it might be better for the kids to not have me. I think my mom would take care of them since Travis can't. I can not imagine the rest of my life, raising these five people alone, being financially secure, ever. How the hell do I do that?!

I know in my mind I need to just let go of any hope for him getting better, coming home. I KNOW that! But oh my god. I can not make myself do it. I think I would really loose it. I just love him, and I want our family back together, I want it to be healthy and happy. I miss how much he made me laugh, even when I was upset. There's very little laughter these days.

So yesterday when I could hear that he was there, I started lecturing. I can't help it. I just did, for like an hour, and he just sits there and listens. I hope some of it sinks in. I kept asking him how can he be there and be more of a father figure to her kid(whose bday is the same day as our Sam's) than his own? It fucking breaks my heart! It hurts the kids so much. When we got off the phone I tried to call him to tell him to please come get the kids. I was loosing it. He wouldn't answer(don't blame him actually, after everything I said), and so I texted him to come get them, so they don't find my body. What the hell is wrong with me? I am thinking the med I am on is making me worse not better. I am having more ups and downs, and they are more severe than before. I felt so bad last night, so bad. I just  had all these images running through my head on the best way to do it, and I actually just didn't have the energy to get off the couch. I put a movie on for the kids, and laid down, and could not get up. I heard the baby cry, and Maddy trying to wake me up, and I swear to god I couldn't move or talk. Everything felt too heavy. I felt like I was trapped there. On the couch. I was not even able to get a coherant thought in my head, and it scared me so bad. Travis called, and Maddy told him she couldn't wake me up, and he came, and was yelling at me, and looking around the house for pills or something. I couldn't get up. I didn't take anything. I just couldn't move. I know, it sounds like I am being melodramatic. But I swear to god, I couldn't. I was too heavy. My eyes wouldn't stay open, my arms were too heavy to move. Eventually little by little I started feeling better, I think it took more than an hour to come all the way out of it.

I was able to get up, and nurse the baby, and get her ready, and I dropped the kids(minus baby, of course) off at Travis' and went to my mom's night out. I had a drink. I wanted a few, but I had to drive home. LOL I was so grateful last night for my friends. No one even mentioned that it looked like I had been crying all night(which I know it did, I looked in the mirror in the car. LOL We had a blast, and the waiter was HOT!! :D Smokin' !! It was fun, and I even had a tiny little dessert. Yum. :)

so...I think I need to get off this med. It is seriously making me crazy. Or maybe I am crazy? How do I know? LOL I am ok today. So far. I am calling her (the med lady)tomorrow though, just in case. It worries me, the couch episode, I think i'm ok. But it scares me, that that could happen, and my kids were here, and I scared the shit out of Maddy. And I don't know what to tell her, other than I'm sorry. Should I give them instructions, in case it happens again? it can't happen again. Right? I don't have the luxury to just check out, but I did, and thank god it was just for an hour or two, but it's scary to me. <sigh> ok, I am goign to hop in the shower and go to the uu church. I have been meaning to for weeks, and I really want to be there. and this is too long and depressing anyway. :)

Well, I did it!!! I am now officially a Wooly Wonder knitter...well. i still have to get the paperwork, but Pam saw my pants and actually thought they were good. Yay!!! It feels so good for me to get that kind of praise from such a great knitting mama!! Things really are starting to get good...I just hope it stays that way. :) Now I just have to see when my site will be up, so I can get descriptions and stuff in there. i really need some more hours in the day. I am starting to freak a little bit. Trying to figure out when I am going to get all this knitting done. LOL

My poor kiddos are going to be just like the cobbler's kids. :( I think I will make a pact with myself to knit one thing for the store, then one for one of my kids...I can't see how else I would get it done. Vi only has one pair of pants so far for the winter, and I have a pair or two of shorts that I'm going to add some length to for her. Then Sam needs length added to his ONE pair of shorts I made him this summer, and I need to make him a pair or two more. I think I will get some PF for him in blue black and brown and that should be good for the winter.

I got a great pill shaver from bed bath and beyond the other night, and they had this perfect tiny computer desk that I picked up for less than $35. It was on clearance, plus it was the floor model so it was another 10% off. Woohoo! This office/sewing/knitting room is coming together pretty nicely for such a tiny little room. LOL

So can you tell I am excited? LOL I have decided to wait to get prefolds for the store for a couple of months. I think I will save up for the snappis first then get cpf and indian pfs seperately. I really, really want to carry all organic, but I just don't see how I can right now. Hopefully I will be able to slowly transition to organics, though if I have to wait and save up anyway, I might just do that. The other problem I have is being in such a low income place, I hate to offer products that I can't afford, and I know there are people out there who want to cd and are worse off than I am. Decisions....i definately want to get involved with the RDA. Probably in the next few months...I need to get over the opening, and stocking of the store before I attempt to add anything else to my plate. :)

I am getting some organic wool batting from a small farm, to make wool balls, I have an order in a co-op for dyes and playsilks, I have some gnomes knitted, and now I just need to finish Nina's kiddos pants so I can start something for the store, order some PF so I can make the stuff Lisa is wanting for tradde for the web design stuff, and I guess I should get my booty in gear to get this all going. :)

Wellllll...the pants are on their way to meet Pam. :) I am very happy with myself that I did it, got them sent out, finally! LOL I kept finding reasons why they couldn't go yet...still worried. Not sure why exactly. I know this is a learning experience, a process, and am trying to stay positive. I think they look ok. I'm not terribly happy with the yarn I used. Cascade Quatro. It twists in a way when you knit it up that the whole project looks a bit off. The stitches are not up and down, but somewhat diagonal. But overall I think they are pretty good. :)

I turned in my exiting paperwork for my start up money for HHB. I will get about $3000, almost a third of that has to go to pay bills, what a bummer. I pick up the check at 3:00 Friday afternoon, and am already making lists on what to buy for the store(FUN!!), and who I owe money to for bills(not the fun part). So far it looks like I will start out carrying prefolds, snappis, wool balls, a few gnomes, playsilks, possibly unpaper towels, doublers and wipes(getting a sewing machine and serger), recycled yarn, and *hopefully* knitted pants. :)

My family is being pretty supportive. I am hoping to get my office/sewing/knitting/computer room organized this week...it is tniy and am not entirely sure it is going to be functional. I may need to move this operation out to the garage eventually. I need to check on how my website is coming together. Looks like I am moving in the right direction though. :)

I just got back from a mom's night out. Yay!! I had a ton of fun. Drank a couple of Mike's Hard Limeades, my favorite since becoming a mom. I almost didn't go. I was so tired and wore down. Lack of energy lately, and yes it has to do with going to bed at 4 am and getting up with kids at 8, but I really love this babysitting gig, and I get so much knitting done while I'm there. the lack of sleep really is worth it for now.

I finished the pants I am sending in to Pam. FINALLY!! I think they took me three weeks, which is quite unlike me, but I think I may be a bit scared. Scared they won't pass the inspection, and scared they will(I know I am a dork LOL). So I just have to wash them, and they will go out Monday morning. How exciting. Oh, guess I should get her addy too. LOL

I need to find my business license this weekend. i am planning on carrying prefolds and snappis when I open on October 15th, but need that info to get wholesale accounts. I am also carrying wool balls, knitteds gnomes(and maybe a few other knitted items), doublers and wipes(hopefully), and soakers/pants(if I pass the test). I just bought the pattern for the basic wooly wonder too. i really wanted a pattern for a regular soaker, and really love the Ppants pattern, so thought I'd buy this one from pam too.

Kids are doing ok. Fighting a ton lately. I need to get this house organized once and for all. i am thinking of having a friend help me, but I really can't afford it, and I don't want to feel indebted to her. I hate feeling that way.

Shoot I should get to bed. Travis is helping my mom to put in her new flooring in the dining room tomorrow. I am hoping it is a quick job(one day). I want to get some stuff on *our* (rented)house done too. Like unpacking our stuff from when we moved in here in *APRIL*. lol

:)